Here is a sobering assessment of where we’re headed- and where we’re not so headed-soon. As we all know, soon is also a vA euphemism for whatever “is” is at the time. “Sooner or later” actually was discovered to have been coined by the first VASEC Edward Derwinski. It was uttered during the Erspamer fiasco and later caught on to become the de facto motto of the entire Department of veterans Affairs.
Optical recognition is the big bugaboo here. Due to the slothful, neanderthal proclivities of vA personnel, they avoided learning how to to use typewriters well into the late nineties. The chicken scratch is now coming home to roost. All those hand-written 21-4138s have to be word-searchable. All those copious doctor’s reports written in gibberish? Optically scanned, dude. Gazillions of godzillabytes of Vet’s info needs to be up-scoped.
Imagine the cost… This is going to have serious repercussions on all those
Human Resources playcations in Orlando Veterans who have served our country so loyally. We’ll need a shitton of money-and computers? Good thing you mentioned that. We’ve got three different systems that are slower than dial-up so we need a complete do over on that too. We’re thinkin’ we’ll be out of the woods about five years after you guys get the new systems up. We even have an acronym for the new computer. Check it out. “SCRUDUP”. Pronounce it “Screwed up”. Sort of like an inside joke. Get it? Screwed uuuuuuupp, dude! Stands for Servicemens’ Research Computer, Unraveler, & Decoder for Uniformed Personnel. Pretty catchy, huh? Our R&D guys came up with it. We gave ’em a big fat bonus, too. Oh, wow. You’re right. It’s misspelled. That’s bogus. It’s SRCUDUP. That’s okay. We’ll just pronounce it SCRUDUP. Everyone will know what we mean. Right?
vA is planning on doing their inimitable Michael Jackson moonwalk across the Congressional Stage and try to stay in the weeds thereafter. With the exception of some Hickeygrams, things will be pretty low key at the Under Secretary for Apologies Office. When 2015 comes and goes, there will be another hue and cry go up that Veterans are getting screwed and everyone will appoint commissions and hire investigators. And so on. And so on.
Congressmen will appear before the cameras and say “Shocked. I am just shocked. I can’t even begin to tell you of my angst for those poor Veterans.” They’ll propose a law that will be diluted down until it benefits a long-dead Vet from the Spanish-American War’s widow’s first-born male child’s male child if he was born on a Thursday-in June-in 1928-before noon. You will need a copy of the Veteran’s DD 214 which wasn’t invented until 1918, approximately twenty years after the war. A family tree, birth certificates, marriage licences, divorces, annulments or other documents must be certified copies. Because they are a nonadversarial agency, this exemption for the above described dependents will be available from one year after publishing in the Federal Register.