EARLY CHRISTMAS IN COLORADO

Posted on September 22, 2012 by asknod

Everybody likes to hear the success story. The one that didn’t get away is far more newsworthy than the one that did. So it was with great joy when I came in from gardening last night to find that our very own Randy has finally joined the 100% ranks without going to DC. I can’t propound enough on what a shame it is that many of you came here after you’d lost and had a far more difficult time winning at the BVA. It’s not so much that its harder but that the constant rounds of remands back and forth often stretch it out to a decade or more.

Randy has been sanding and filing his claim down for several years using some of the techniques we advocate here and it finally paid off. He did it all himself I might add. Giving advice is all well and fine but the individual Vet is the one who carries the water. Some come here asking me to do it for them in toto. I cannot. I have my own fish to fry. I offer DIY advice only. The law actually precludes me from engaging in it unless I am accredited.

This raises the number of wins to 30 since 2008. The two losses were unavoidable due to circumstances that included willful misconduct. They were insurmountable given that the individuals had contaminated the claim with too much information. Add to that the drug hanky panky on record and it became a negative objective.

Herewith, I present the fruits of Randy’s long, hard-fought battle with the defenders of Fort Fumble in Denver.

Randy has hit the wall with these chuckleheads over the pyramiding aspect of hepatitis and  cirrhosis. Fortunately they haven’t gotten anally retentive and made life miserable for him. I summed it up thusly in a post game wrap:

Now, let’s look at DC 7354…
 
Always remember when they use the word “or”, you have two different sets of criteria. Additionally, no one is expected to suffer all the individual components of any disease. DC7354 has two such sets of criteria and they (vA) are focusing on one to the exclusion of the other.
 
First set @20% is:

Daily fatigue, malaise, and anorexia (without weight loss or hepatomegaly), requiring dietary restriction or continuous medication,

The second set is:

 or; incapacitating episodes (with symptoms such as fatigue, malaise, nausea, vomiting, anorexia, arthralgia, and right upper quadrant pain) having a total duration of at least two weeks, but less than four weeks, during the past 12-month period

Notice there’s no mention of weight in the second one. Now look at 40%:

Daily fatigue, malaise, and anorexia, with minor weight loss and hepatomegaly,

The second half of 40%:

or; incapacitating episodes (with symptoms such as fatigue, malaise, nausea, vomiting, anorexia, arthralgia, and right upper quadrant pain) having a total duration of at least four weeks, but less than six weeks, during the past 12-month period

 
From experience, what I have seen is that absent the weight loss (minor or major), they try to hang you on the number of days you are incapacitated. VA employs the “yeah, but you didn’t have…” all the time. They lose as usual on appeal but that is a long and arduous mountain climb. One thing is certain, you are not going to get better. At this point, a careful analysis is in order. They have, in essence, caved in and given you the big enchilada all the way back to 09. Add five years and it’s protected for all intents and purposes. So on Sept. 4, 2014, unless you go back to work, your rating will not be taken away unless fraud can be proved. After ten years, if you do not kick before, your wife will be in the DIC catbird seat for about $1500 a month when you set sail for the last cruise. Of course, if you kick from HCV or cirrhosis before then, she’s covered too. Finally, if you make it to twenty years, you’re bulletproof even if you did cheat.
 
VA could not take you to task on the HCV, Randy. Here’s why. You probably are like me in that you suffer “near constant debilitating symptoms” and are under a doctor’s care. Thus you qualify for 100% schedular on just the hep. VA is loathe to grant that. What they did was sandbag you with the cirrhosis. There is a major argument in the rating language at about 20% on both hep and cirrhosis. At that point, a decision has to be made as to which to rate on. VA will not go up to 50% on cirrhosis and 60% on the hep. I’ve seen them do 20% and 10% and the guy was knocking on Heaven’s door. You are getting a good deal here with the TDIU but it’s a backdoor method. True 100% shedulars are not the norm. I checked and there are about 375,000 of them currently. Most are like yours where they shortsheet the bed but throw in the TDIU. The problem with giving out half and half 7312/7354 is the codicil about pyramiding ratings. VA tries so hard to read this as limiting what they can give you because the ratings clash. It isn’t that hard. HCV caused all of this and that is where the focus should be. Cirrhosis is merely the fallout. vA ignores this and artfully creates a situation that ties their hands (or appears to).
 

See how DC 7312 conflicts (pyramids) ? 10%  says  Symptoms such as weakness, anorexia, abdominal pain, and malaise 

DC 7354 20% says  Daily fatigue, malaise, and anorexia 

7312 @ 30%  Portal hypertension and splenomegaly, with weakness, anorexia, abdominal pain, malaise, and at least minor weight loss

7354 @ 40% says  Portal hypertension and splenomegaly, with weakness, anorexia, abdominal pain, malaise, and at least minor weight loss

vA is a past master at creating a problem and then fashioning a solution that takes you to LA via Beijing. What they are loathe to do is just give you the hep for 100% and perhaps the cirrhosis for 30. God forbid. What they did here is far more convoluted and confusing. Winning the DM2 will be anticlimatic. They’ll lowball you and you’ll show the insulin use. They’ll finally go to 40% from 20% after a lot of hemming and hawing. Rest assured that you are not the first victim (nor the last) to be sandbagged by them on the hep/cirrhosis game.

As a last note, I’d like to thank Randy for sharing this with you folks. Some are recalcitrant about the publicity and politely decline. I don’t blame them. What vA does to us is criminal. The fear of retribution is large on our minds. Witness that I use the handle ASKNod for similar reasons. After observing what they are capable of, I don’t suggest being BFF with them or assuming they’ll be like-minded. Lastly, I recommend putting your wallet in your front pocket and sitting with your back to a wall when you have occasion to visit. Merry Christmas Randy. It only took Santa three years to get here. I guess this is what they call a Rocky Mountain High.

Posted in ASKNOD BOOK, Inspirational Veterans, NEW BOOK, Tips and Tricks | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

AN INSPIRATIONAL STORY

Posted on September 21, 2012 by asknod

I want to share this with you because some feel I am cold, callous and uncaring.

I was once asked to play in a golf tournament. My handicap is like 67 and I’m sooo not tournament material. Usually these are group affairs with the best aggregate total of all the players in a foursome. This was different. It was a best personal and I knew it would be a wasted $100.00 not including all the cocktails on the course. They were playing Calloway and you could throw out the worst front or back 9 score up to double par. I still didn’t see myself in the winner circle and politely declined.

That’s when they really turned up the heat. Jez, they’re all hackers and worse than me. They finally tried to shame me into it by appealing to my soft spot for charities when they said it was for handicapped and blind Vets. I started to say “Nawwww” again and then I stopped and thought.

Not so fast. I bet I could win this one.

Submitted by Brownwater  Jim, former squid of the delta.

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Navy SEALS Respond After Media Matters Calls Them “Gutless”

Posted on September 20, 2012 by asknod

I publish this not from the perspective of politics but from the standpoint of common sense. Do us all a favor and send it to your congressmen and Senators. The need to put sensationalism and ratings aside and protect our troops is paramount. I don’t care who you vote for. They’re all crooked as a hand-whittled crutch. The element of surprise in this business is how you inflict a telling blow on the enemy. Look no further than the debacle that occurred on 9/11/o1. Their OPSEC was so tight they took us completely by surprise.

http://www.youtube.com/v/X-Xfti7qtT0?version=3&h=en_US&rel+0

Posted in All about Veterans, Complaints Department, General Messages | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

THOSE WHO CANNOT REMEMBER THE PAST…

Posted on September 20, 2012 by asknod

Once upon a time in SEA, we (some of my fellow airmen) sat around one night theorizing on what niche Congress felt we inhabited. This was 1970 and it was becoming apparent that the war in SEA was winding down. The Kent State Massacre was fresh in everyone’s minds.  Requests for materiel and manpower went unanswered or were deferred. Deafness had begun to set in and a marked indifference to our plight was becoming apparent. The rest is history.  The pandemic of unemployment following that debacle is still remembered.

This morning I read that Congress, or more specifically the Senate, has opted to bail out and go electioneering at the expense of Veterans. Member Bob from Kellogg’s country in Battle Creek sent me Rachel Maddow’s scathing take on it. It’s ugly. I mean the situation, not Rachel. Well, actually Rachel isn’t going to win the Miss America contest but that’s a subject for another day.

I suppose anyone could present the message but Rachel in her own inimitable way is the perfect foil for this. She does have her following among progressive listeners and I have no problem with the message she’s disseminating. I find it odd she should be the standard bearer for Veterans but we certainly can’t pick and choose our allies. She vocalized perfectly what I feel is the disconnect between “talking the talk” and “walking the walk”.  The Senate gave Vets the bitchslap in no uncertain terms and then retreated to their far-flung constituencies to glad hand and kiss babies.

Politics and religion have no home here at Asknod. When they do insinuate themselves into our narrow world, we feel compelled to comment. It makes no difference who put a fork in this. With an unemployment figure much higher than the comparable civilian populace,  the need is visible and palpable.  Having a talent for putting an 81mm mortar round down the throat of Abdul and his buddies doesn’t translate well into police work or fire fighting. This means retraining or finding a trade you engaged in prior to enlistment. Veterans did not provoke this issue. They inherited it with the rapid downsizing of our forces as the conflict in Southwest Asia winds down.  Now it appears they will carry the water into civilian life as well if they survive the mental challenges.

As most of you know, we came home from Southeast Asia to a country weary of war and conflict among itself.  We were deadwood, a fifth wheel, a drag on unemployment and suffering from all manner of strange diseases. We were expected to assimilate and shut up. There were no provisions for our entry back into society. Sink or swim was the mantra. Now we seem to be caught in George Santayana’s redux (Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it). If you use 1962 as the jumping off point for Vietnam, then this is the fiftieth anniversary and a fitting time to embrace all the shortcomings that followed.

A seminal difference between then and now, however,  is a sea change in our perception of our military and our Veterans. Veterans are enjoying a bounce in American’s perceptions. Many’s the organization set up specifically to help our new Vets integrate into society. We are no longer viewed as a liability and are greeted warmly with that tired, hackneyed phrase thanking us for our service. PR flacks need to work on that and tune it up. All the thanks in the world is not going to fix this.

The greed endemic among capitalists is so serious that they have finally sawed off the limb they’re standing on. Today was classic evidence of that. In order to show financial restraint, they opted to save bridges to nowhere,  continuing free Starbucks for Welfare to Work Moms and special pork sandwiches for their own constituents. Veterans didn’t make the cut. Well, almost. They’ve promised to leave vA’s assets alone in the new-found rush to financial austerity. For now at any rate. Veterans Job Corps funds are the deal breaker. In spite of our unselfish commitment to America and post-9/11 security, we are now being politely (actually rudely) shown the door.

Ms. Maddow’s guest, former Rep. Patrick Murphy (Pa.), pointed out that a Vet now takes his life every 80 minutes-down from the 18 minutes before the VA Secretary made mewling sounds about how hard he was working to correct this deficiency. vA is as ill-equipped to deal with this current influx as they were in 1975 when the bill was presented at the end of that conflict. And keep in mind that this “war” is still going on.

George Santayana also said “Only the dead have seen the end of war”. This is often erroneously ascribed to Plato but nevertheless the sentiment remains. What I find sad is that so many are returning only to join the ranks of their fallen comrades before their time.  What’s worse is that they are dying by their own hand and America’s politicians seem to be copacetic with the choice. Congress all but made sure today that the status quo will remain and discouraged Vets will continue to see a bleak future with no corresponding panacea to remedy it.

Lower than whale shit.

Keep this in mind when you wield your ballot in November. I trust Vets unless they work for VSOs. I trust Vets who are politicians -but only with many reservations. Blindly adhering to any party or philosophy is dangerous. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

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Big fees for private medical records

Posted on September 19, 2012 by Laura

Thoughts while reading AskNod, Chapter 3, Part C:  Collecting the Evidence

Ouch, this can get expensive!  We’ve spent about $45.00 in copies from private physicians so far.  One doctor’s minimum charge is $25.00 yet doctor-to-doctor is free.

Mr. K is going to revoke the DAV POA.  I believe that he can appoint an individual, such as myself, to represent him.  We did talk to the county vet rep. and he dangled a big carrot:  he said he could obtain all needed private physician records free.  That would save us hundreds of dollars on copy fees for records critical to his claim–a savings we could use.

On the other hand, the reps. office was messy.  Numerous claim folders were piled on top of dusty cabinets–not securely filed.  His receptionist was devouring a giant grinder and dripping grease on her desk at 11:30 a.m..   The place appeared unorganized.  Do we “hire” him to get the free medical records, get copies for ourselves, then revoke the POA if he turns out to be inept?  Or bite the bullet, shell out for the records, keep track of documents ourselves, and maintain privacy?   I’m leaning towards the latter option but if there was a way to get private medical records free (secret form?), I’d be happier. 

Ed. Note. Never mention the phrase “legal matters”. These records are for “continuing medical care”. See my comment below.

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THE ARROGANCE OF AUTHORITY

Posted on September 19, 2012 by asknod

Member Robert of California fame sends us this immortal joke. I love it.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there,”as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!”Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear… do you understand?”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull Ralph.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!”

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DEER IN CAMP

Posted on September 19, 2012 by asknod

I used to hunt with some guys who were like VSOs and mortally terrified of breaking even the most inconsequential rules. Things such as whether you shot a spike or a doe during high buck, 3-point or better season. It’s not like the game warden is camped out around the corner. They even took their ammo out of their guns driving to and fro to hunt sites. Hellooooo? What if a deer crossed the road right in front of you? Its against the law to mow them down, too. That’s why I’m cocked and locked 100%. If Gomer the Game Warden jumps out on the road, I have an old Mannlicher. One push of the magazine button and Bingo- .270s everywhere but in the mag. Why destroy the front end of the Expedition deer hunting? It really messes up the meat. The license reads modern rifle, not modern vehicle.

Being the eternal jokester, I decided to have some fun with these guys. They’re just too strait-laced. They all packed 9 mils like they were going to take down a Mulie with it. Everywhere- including to the loo. Excuse me but we put that fallacy  (and calibre) to bed a long time ago in SEA. 9mils are fun when you’re out target shooting with your new girlfriend but a .45 or better yet, a .357 or .44 is de riguer for popping 200+ lbs of running machine.

One evening at the end of the first day’s hunt, I spotted some extremely fresh, warm, deer poop  and carefully scooped it up into my lunch baggie. Yes, gentle reader.  Sgt, Nod is a good steward of our environment. The next morning, after boiling water for coffee at o dark 00, I poured the boiling water into the bag. I was careful to stir, and not to shake it nor did I add vermouth.

The boys had found a shot-up outhouse somewhere and carefully installed it at camp about 30 yds away from their tent. It was magnificent with dug in pit, ashes from the fire to cover the fresh offerings, side skirts to keep the dogs out and three walls. I surreptitiously went over and dumped the poop on the path about 10 feet from the outhouse. At 3800 ASL in October, it was a nippy 36 degrees. The poop steamed nicely and looked fresh. Very Fresh. 6 minutes old fresh. Holy shit, Batman fresh. Pull out the Glock 19 and chamber a round fresh. Run from tree to tree and search fresh. OMG- run back to camp and sound the alarm fresh.

Kathy, 40ish, was first one up to perform her ablutions and she dutifully rushed back to the main tent to inform them of her find. Any thoughts of defecation flew out the window. My son and I were summoned and wisely informed to lock and load.  The poop was poked, sniffed, prodded, partially dissected and discoursed on. The color was observed to be dark green. Absent a thermometer, the temperature was approximated as being very close to 98.6. As daylight broke, the troops moved out. Several hours later no deer were found but not for lack of trying.

In order not to spill the beans,  I was forced to depart the area and hunt elsewhere. I told Buckwheat, jr. after we were about a ¼ mile away. I was positive they heard us cackling. Have you ever laughed so hard you had snot running down your lips? And didn’t care? Have you ever laughed so long that the back of your head hurt for hours? Blown hot coffee through your nose? Twice? Coughed up a hairball? About 1100 hrs we came back and had brunch. Uncontrollable giggles and smiles ran across our faces. The guys kept looking at us and each other thinking we’d been out puffing dope. That just made us laugh even harder.  I tried to ascribe it to Buckwheat tripping and falling down but it just didn’t play in Peoria. Falling isn’t that funny.

Damn it if Buckwheat didn’t tell Josh that afternoon. They’re about two years apart and always hung out together when hunting. He, in turn spilled the beans to Chris, Eric and Kathy. Oddly, they steadfastly refused to see the humor in this.  Now remember, these are the same guys who construct a miniature meat pole out in front of their camp and hang up the mice on it they catch in the tent to look like deer. What the Hell?

The guys had too many rules for me and we drifted apart several years later. I’ve had long words with my son about giving away all the trade secrets of the NOD clan.  It was a youthful indiscretion and he’s far more mature now. He’s becoming a past master at slipping a .38 or two into the fire in the evening after dinner unnoticed. That gets everyone’s undivided attention.

There’s never a dull moment when hunting with NOD and Sons, Liquor and Guns. As a footnote, if you are away from camp, you can pour hot coffee on said deer poop and get the same effect. Improvise. The sky’s the limit.

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Secret VA benefits: Solar Panels?

Posted on September 19, 2012 by joeaveragevet

Some time ago, I recall reading of a Veteran who asked if there were any “Secret” VA benefits.   The mere “hint” the VA may reserve some or part of its benefit programs for a “favored few” roused the wrath of some of the “old time” Vets advocates who vehemently denied there were any “Secret” VA benefits and even mocked those who would suggest such a thing.

Still, this NY Times article seems to suggest there are “secret” benefits.

Maybe those doubters should go to this website.  In several years of reading posts on multiple websites, to include va.gov , I have never seen anything posted, ever, on solar panels for Vets.

Maybe I should not use the term “secret VA benefits”, because secret VA benefits do not exist according to the VA.     Instead, I will call them “Well Disguised VA benefits, or, at least,  Not Well Known”.   In VA speak, that’s WDVA/NWK benefits, since the VA LOVES its confuse-acrym’s.  A confuse-acrym, according to the Joe Average Vet dictionary is a VA acronym designed especially to confuse and frustrate new Veteran claimants.    It seems to be a way that “smart” VSO’s and DVA employees love to confuse “newbie” Vet-claimants into believing they are graduates of Harvard DVA school, and that any decision that comes along should NOT be appealed by a Veteran, because any error that may have occurred in the decision is, by definition,  the Veterans own fault.

While on the topic of VA acronyms, there is one that costs the VA mucho.    The 5 P’s.  Most especially the 6th P, as this “P” alone costs the VA millions.  That’s right, for those of you who have listened to your mother and father, the 5 P’s are “Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance“.  It might just apply to the VA.

But..the 6th P?  Huh?  If you persist, you will think of the 6th P.   Persistent Veterans cost the VA more money than all the other ones combined.  The VA ofter refers to us a “pesky” Vets, at least when they think we are not listening.    Its easy to deny those  who quickly and easily abandon their claims.    The VA does not even have to send you a notice that you “abandoned” your claim.  All you need do is to fail to file a  VA Form 9…you abandoned your appeal..the famous “Notice of Disagreement” is all for naught if you dont timely file your Form 9.

Remember your 6 P’s, and remember, we are all in this together and I’m pulling for you.  If you know of any WDVA/NWK benefits, please comment, along with a link.

 

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Mr. K’s first VA Form 21-4138

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Laura

Last night I listened to Nod’s interview with Rick Townsend on Stardust Internet Radio.  Among the things discussed were VA Form 21-4138, better known to some as Statement in Support of Claim and one’s first contact with a VSO.

I remembered our first (and only) contact with a DAV representative.  Two years ago, we knew enough to know that some of Mr. K’s active ailments were service-connected.  So, DD-214 in hand, we stopped by the DAV office to get some information.  We sat down with a young man who gave Mr. K Form 21-22 (Appointment of Veterans Service Organization as Claimant’s Representative/Power of Attorney) to sign.  Next: he quickly whipped up two generic sentences for page one of Form 21-4138.  All done.  Have a nice day. Thank you. Good-bye.

A few days later, the RO sent a letter, VA Form 21-526 and instructions.  Overwhelmed, we filed it away.  I realized that we needed a lot more information about the claim process before proceeding.  We never filled it out and I’m glad now.

But I’m worried because, as I learned in ASKNOD’s book (Chapter 3) and on the radio interview, you have to put the SC causes of the ailments on the front page of Form 21-4138 where it can’t be missed. The two generic sentences our DAV rep. typed are worthless.  If we go pro se,  fill out a new Form 21-4138, is the old one discarded, ignored, or does it live on?  The earlier date would have been nice had we been ready but Mr. K. would have been denied.

ASKNOD writes that he personalizes his with Standard Form 8 1/2 x 11.  I’d like to know more about that.  Also how to undo the permission granted in Form 21-22.

VA Form search box: http://www.va.gov/vaforms/search_action.asp#searchform

2015 Update:  This information is no longer valid.  Submissions must be made using VA forms.

Editor’s note before publication

Here’s the skinny on this. If the claim is now over one year old, it’s immaterial. To undo the damage, file a Standard Form (SF) 8.5X11W (white) informing your VSO that he/she is no longer the possessor of that POA as it has been rescinded. Make two copies and send one to the VSO and the other to the RO. On it, inform the VSO that you are also filing a copy with the VARO, too.

Next, understand that you can use anything that is legible to write on and write on it with anything that is readable after writing with it.  I believe it would be best to use their 21-526 to speed things up. I do not believe in using any other vA form-period. The DBQs are an accident looking for a place to happen. Avoid them like the plague.

Sadly, 21-4138s all look the same. You want to personalize yours and what better way than your own stationary? Yes, you’ll look smart using the new SF 8.5X11Ws and they are easy to create. No pesky spaces to stay inside of. You’ll be able to type yours,  adding bold  and italics as necessary to  make your points. A win-win for both you and vA is much closer than you think. It would not be out of line for you to really walk the dog if you have some Tickle Me Elmo stationary left over from the kids’ yesteryears. If so, cheer up the vA rater and add some color in his otherwise dreary day. Looney Tunes stationary is also available online as well. Why, the possibilities are endless for making sure your claim has that special je ne c’est quoi  that other are lacking.  One thing I can guarantee is that vA raters will be talking about your missives for years. One can only surmise it will give pause to a rater or DRO when they peruse your C-files. This is what you want. By accessorizing that claim, the raters will all turn around like those judges on The Voice.

In order to qualify legally you must always end your self-styled filings with the phrase:

The above statements are true and correct to the best of my knowledge and belief.

I strongly suggest the Roadrunner paper as it may impart some urgency to the situation. After a diligent search, I must sadly report that Tickle Me Elmo paper is out of print. I feel you can rectify this with the Sesame Street decals available. Simply affix one at the top of each page adjacent to your SSN or claim number. Should a rater inadvertently drop your file carelessly, everything belonging to you stands a far better chance of being reunited with Bugs smiling at them  waving a carrot. Just an editor’s opinion, mind you.

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SENIOR MOTEL MOMENT

Posted on September 17, 2012 by asknod

 

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a
bit lonely.
She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles
in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling
smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
silver dollar off his well-oiled bum….
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right
in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to
my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with
you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather,
whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot
and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does
that sound?”
He said, ” That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to

press 9 for an outside line.”

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