So I got the raised planters built and the garden area rototilled for the corn. Time for a scotchski it was. Yessssssss. And right there on the counter was the le chip du jour. Cupcake’s  on a gluten-free (read fun-free) healthy tilt so everything is something other than wheat. Rice, almond flour, pecan flour, ad nauseum literally. I’d allow the almond flour crackers are remotely edible as I’m sure papyrus is too if you’re starving. What the hey. Buddy my parrot will eat them. He’s a wise 54- yr. old bird. He was born after Tet ’68 in the fall during monsoon. I trust his instinct. He won’t eat one of them store-bought peeled carrots. Turns out if you hold the bag up to your nose reeeeeal close, you too can smell the reek of Clorox™. Zesty. Brightens your teeth, too. We already went down that road with herbicides and look what it got us.

So, I’m armed and dangerous and coming into the kitchen and the chips bag is on the counter. New flavor. Rice. Well, new rice flavored cracker because I don’t recognize the bag. Bleh.

Hey. No flies on me, right? Occam’s Razor. Obviously that must be the go-to Happy Hour chip. No one in their right mind would think otherwise. They’re open so you know they aren’t past their born-on date and sketchy. Rice. It’s what’s for pre-dinner. So I have the JW Black nestled in the ice and and turn on the evening news and that cracker sure is short on salt… and dang near any other seasoning you’d expect. I took another cracker out and seconded that emotion.  The label doesn’t say ‘Danger Will Robinson. May taste like dog shit. So I take a closer gander…

What the hey? These are, hands down, absolutely not even close to Rice Crispy Treats. How could you get away with selling these to folks? I’m guessing even Pickles might not think they were up to her mediocre standards. Well, shut the front door.

Yeah. I know. Cupcake says I never read the instructions but I think this was deliberate sabotage. It’s my considered opinion that they were purchased with the full knowledge that someone would innocently put some out on a tray with some delicious aged, sliced, extra sharp white cheddar fully well expecting a eco-unfriendly rice cracker that was at least edible. But nooooooooooooo. She had to buy the dog treat brand most closely resembling the gluten-free shit.

I can’t wait until April Fool’s Day 2023. Vengeance shall be mine sayeth the nod.

About asknod

VA claims blogger
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Jeff Ward says:

    If it is not good enough for me, it is not good enough for my dog, right?!

  2. cdneh says:

    Ick. Mind you everything I look at makes me nauseous. Week 2 of Type A Flu. My diet consists of tepid water and dry bread. It’s what’s in the house.

  3. Calvin Winchell says:

    -UCK it and go for the dozen glazed buttermilk donuts! No resentments in that bag with a large Starbucks Carmel maciado…

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