FEDS ANNOUNCE NEW STATESIDE POLICY ON MILITARY USE OF GUNS


Great_Seal_of_the_United_States_(obverse).svgIn response to the most recent atrocity in Tennessee by a troubled young American, the Federal Government today announced plans to erect safe rooms at all federal facilities. Called the “Quiver in place” Program, the newly designed safe rooms will be impervious to assault much like the successful model used recently by the State Department in Benghazi, Libya to protect our Ambassador. Citing the recent plethora of attacks both here and abroad, the government is finally acting. Rather than attempt to arm and empower military personnel everywhere with woefully little or no training in firearms, the Attorney General asserts safe rooms will substantially solve the problem. Confrontations with “religiously motivated” citizens will be defused as well.

After the Fort Hood debacle where an angry Army Major acted out and expressed his dissatisfaction with an imminent deployment to his former country of birth, the need to control military access to firearms in America has been recognized as a pressing problem. One can imagine the slaughter if every Private Tom, Dick and Harry had access to a fully automatic assault rifle, let alone unfettered access to ammunition in large quantities while stationed stateside. A simple misunderstanding over a girlfriend could lead to bloodshed at the drop of a helmet. Fortunately for us, the government realized this danger shortly after troops began arriving home from Vietnam and swiftly acted by locking up the guns. Authorities cite to that as proof that very few troops have resorted to this barbarism since.

Following the cessation of hostilities in Korea , it has been standard practice not to issue ammo to troops there on the off chance they might irresponsibly reignite a conflict. Peace-loving North Koreans might get the wrong impression if they perceived we were armed with live ammo. In the same vein, the far thinkers here at military installations across our fruited plain envisioned havoc if rank and file troops were allowed to possess guns and ammo in a peacetime setting-even privately. As for the Fort Hood murders, the government pointed out that the system worked as intended. The private, armed civilian police contracted for by the Army were quick to respond and authorities pointed out that 13 casualties were insignificant when compared to the total number of Army personnel present on base that day. Officials have insisted the slaughter could have been far worse but for the presence of level-headed private security trained in the use firearms.

thTaking their cue from prior experience, Blackwater Industries® was was recently awarded a contract to instruct Military recruiters at far-flung stateside outposts in how to deal with these exigencies. Noted contractor Halliburton Industries will be pairing with them for the physical construction of the safe rooms. In the meantime, Blackwater’s training manuals will instruct recruiters on what to do in these situations. Until the rooms are constructed, personnel will be taught to lie prostrate and grovel before their attackers while begging and pleading for mercy. Keeping both hands empty and in view coupled with avoiding eye contact has also proven to save lives.  Recruiters have also been admonished to refrain from bringing their own personal weapons to the job site for fear innocent bystanders may be shot accidentally in the heat of the moment. Armed recruiters might be inadvertently confused with the alleged miscreants and risk being shot as well by first responders  according to government sources who wish to remain nameless. How a uniformed Marine might be mistaken for a civilian protester was not addressed by the official.

A small pilot program to arm the recruiters with sidearms in Wyoming was considered but the danger of accidental discharge due to lack of training in a combat environment was cited as the downside. Other concerns revolved around the potential for escalations of domestic violence, the public perception of military personnel as racist, gun-toting crazies and glorifying gratuitous combat. Authorities note that with the new paradigm of Social Media, all it would take to ignite a situation would be “a bad hair day” or a perceived slight on Facebook.

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Chicago, baby!

Former Mayor Michael Bloomberg recently pointed out the ever-escalating proliferation of guns in the United States are leading to bloodshed in unheard of numbers. Having the government be proactive and take the first steps to rein in this “arming of America” is an encouraging action and will go far in reducing gun violence. As proof, Mayor Bloomberg cited the strict, austere gun laws on the books in Chicago, Illinois and their calming effect on the populace by the virtual absence of firearms in the inner city.

Construction companies owned by disabled Veterans will be encouraged to submit bids to Halliburton, and indeed, given the ‘first shot’ at contracts. VA is working closely with them in hopes of reducing Veteran unemployment numbers and feel this is a win-win situation. Former VA spokeswoman Sharon Hellman was quoted as saying “When the world hands you lemons, it’s best to partner with Halliburton and make lemonade. That’s why I work for them now.”

We’ll keep you posted on this story as we do with all top notch asknod-researched subjects. For lack of a better handle, call it asknod’s fractured faerytales.

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2 Responses to FEDS ANNOUNCE NEW STATESIDE POLICY ON MILITARY USE OF GUNS

  1. John King says:

    Here is my prediction: One day soon a group of terrorists will get hold of half a dozen automatic weapons and will take over a block in a major city. They know they are going to die. They will create the biggest firefight we have seen since Vietnam. The police will not be able to handle this situation and will call in National Guard. Tanks will be rolling and firing .50 cal. machine guns to take out the terrorists after they have killed about 100 police and civilians. After this every single gun in every gun shop in the nation will be sold out in about one day. The Constitution says in Amendment Two that we have the right to keep and bear arms. If the military cannot protect themselves or us inside the USA then I guess we have to do it ourselves. We know that the police no matter how well intentioned cannot protect us from armed lunatics. There are 300 million guns in the USA and about 100 million lunatics. I no longer give people the finger when they cut me off in traffic because one of them might kill me. It happened just the other day a few miles from where I live over road rage. Two guys got out of their cars and started shooting. Of course, this is Florida so what do you expect.

  2. woodguy11 says:

    that’s cool about the employment gift….same happened to me when I came home only it took them 2 years to implement it.They gave Kaiser tax breaks for hiring us dumb vets with an 8th grade education. This what a senator said to sloan of the VA …make the choice card easier to understand because us vets are 12th graders with an 8th grade mentality

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