Yeppers. Just like the title suggests, this did not turn out well. I have an incurable appetite and considering how skinny I am, it’s a good thing. I get those 8 pound cheesecakes at Costco and that covers a week. Being that hungry, I sometimes eat something that wasn’t meant to be. I’m sure a lot of you guys have this problem, right?

I’m somewhat of a bohemian when it comes to eating. When I discovered the red piss ants in my Fig Newtons one night in the dark in Southeast Asia, I finally made peace with the idea that dining was never going to be perfect with tablecloths, real silver settings and the fine china every meal. From then on, it was easier to eat things that were “marginal” under adverse conditions. It had stood me in good stead until I married. That qualifies for  an “adverse condition” if I ever heard of one.

Cupcake has told this story a thousand times and it varies from a cup of butter to a whole pound depending on how many brewskies. It could never happen again in a thousand years. For the record, I’m positive it wasn’t more than a half a cup (a quarter stick). My neighbor died (an old Navy Vet) and his daughter gave us his refrigerator (1988). I briefly glanced inside after the wife cleaned it, unplugged it and put it outside in our garage.We moved to a new home out here in Gig Harbor about 10 months later. The house had no refer so I wheeled Bill’s inside and plugged it in. Several days later I toasted some English muffins and put some butter on them. Standard military procedure. Refer/Butter box/butter/English muffin/ Forward march to dining hall.

I should add that I was addicted to the demon weed tobacco and smoked about a pack and a half a day of Marb Reds. I couldn’t smell very well and it “impacted” me as Cupcake likes to sneer say. I ate them English muffins with some honey on them and they were good.

Cupcake entered the kitchen and asked what died. She couldn’t find the smell so she took the garbage out.  The next day the same thing occurred but she caught me about a millisecond before I ate ’em.  A much better nose than mine immediately figured it out. Turns out she hadn’t bought any butter lately. The box said “best if consumed before August 1987”.  Shooooo doggies we were way past that. Somehow that was my fault.

The laundry detergent on the kitchen counter that looked like powdered sugar when you’re not wearing your glasses should have cured me of this a few years later. Who ever heard of putting laundry detergent in the Kitchenaid to bust up the lumps? It’s not food. It has no business being in the kitchen.

Fast Forward to 2015 and Christmas/ New Years. Lots of chocolates and cookies and candy are lying around and quite frankly, demanding to be eaten before they spoil. So what should my wandering eyes behold the other day but a baggie full of what looked like, well, some kind of nutritious crap Cupcake is always pestering me to eat. It didn’t have one of those Chinese names like Tofu or Yoplait on it so it had that going for it.

One bite of this dang near took off my brand new VA-paid for porcelain crown and I turned to Cupcake and told her as much. She started giggling and I foolishly continued that this trail mix had a wheat grass-like back taste to it. Sugar Pie swallowed her tongue.  We’re talking blue face- 911 here. She laughed so hard she got the vapors and, well nevermind. She laughed a lot harder when I asked her if she got it at Costco because, frankly, I thought the shit was inedible. When she recovered, she called Buckwheat Junior and told him. Shucks. I’d be plumb laughed out by then but she’d just got started. She told him I was eating “Images” food. I sure didn’t discern any apostrophe in that word.

Turns out that’s Image’s Horsey Christmas treats. It was labeled Images. No apostrophes. Yeah, we do have a horse named Image (singular) but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m pretty sure there are companies that sell horse treats named Images. I can see the S at the end. Any fool can. It’s false advertising under the best of circumstances and should be labeled as non-human food. I’ll bet it’s against the law in forty five states to sell unlabeled horse food. Besides, Image doesn’t have hands let alone an opposing thumb. So how was he supposed to open this bag and get the treats out? Horses don’t eat plastic. It’s bad for them. All these queshuns and noooobody has any answers. It’s really not that funny. I think she set me up.