These classic quotes are still fun.  (Mencken’s quote reminded me of the continuing ILP greenhouse saga.)

At my age flowers scare me.
George Burns

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
H. L. Mencken

Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.   
Charles Dudley Warner

Pain was something we were expected to endure.  But I doubt very much if you would be entirely happy today if a doctor threw a towel in your face and jumped on you with a knife.
Ronald Dahl

Groucho’s birthday is coming up: October 2!

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Groucho Marx