I received these gems from-who else- Silver Starred Ed the LRRP (pronounced Lurp). He knew I was in DC at the legal conferences and delved deeply into attorney humor to find them. Keep in mind, they are actual (I swear) in haec verba, right from the transcripts of the Court reporters. I don’t think I could keep a straight face and avoid spraying snot out of my nose trying to suppress uncontrollable laughter. Now keep in mind I’m not making fun of attorneys. I have many, many as friends so I don’t want to throw shade on them as a class of human beings… but read on.
First off, you gotta know every attorney I know, and every Agent too, would never put a client on the stand unless we knew what their answers were well beforehand. But some J.D.s may have slept through Witness 301…
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
But now, let’s look at attorneys themselves-not their clients. Unlike us- the great unwashed Agents, they have 4 years of college and 3 or law school under their belts. Perish the thought of any of these below practicing VA law…
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the very next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20. Very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Thank you to all whom I met in DC who help Vets. From what I can see, it appears we have a tsunami of new folks getting into this field. Veterans are going to have more options to win big fights because there will be far more attorneys and agents out there trained to do it well.
Right. Spring Break is over. Back to work girls and boys. And yes, SMC Class #7 will convene Friday morning at 0900 sharp.
asknod
kcraveiro
robinhoodesqvetsatty
Veterans Claims Help 
Would you believe they let me and AskNOD himself partake in mixed spirits? Right inside the perimeter of the Nation’s Capitol. Then they took it so far so as to allow us inside a nice steakhouse while we watched all the bigwigs drive by in route to the State of the Union speech. It was a great experience being in the heart of our country. And to be surrounded by so many good folks looking to learn how to better assist veterans.
Shoooo. What a great conference.
Only negative experience was when some city slicker bumped into my good wife and didn’t have the decency to say excuse me. Maybe that’s the hick in me? Then again, he didn’t accept my offer to go fornicate with himself.
See you again real soon DC!