In the process of cutting up a cantaloupe the other night, Cupcake came over from stir frying and said “Don’t forget to save the Alpha seeds.” Thinking I’d been lost in space for a lifetime, I immediately looked at what most men might refer to as a shitpile of seeds more closely. I had a feeling this was going to be a teaching moment. Having been brought up in a civilized family and now being a lot more in charge of the kitchen, I commented that there were so many happy seeds that it was hard to determine just exactly which ones were the desired Alphas. This was insider knowledge. Martha Stewart didn’t even know about this stuff. Apparently, neither did I. This smelled of garden and that is my domain.
Cupcake immediately pointed out the little one I had hit with the knife that got pushed out when I cut it in half. And yes, it did look like it was boldly attempting to go where Alpha seeds go in desperation to exit the melon and seek a new home. Why, I had no idea. She proceeded to explain about the birds and the bees and how the Alpha sperm swims faster and more surely and arrives at the egg first. This is why the human race always improves and each generation is more intelligent than the preceding one. I tried to fit that into the context of the Veterans Administration and decided not to go there that evening.
However, I did pop her balloon and explained about the knife. She allowed as how it was a lot like finding out about Santa Claus being a hoax at 52. Personally, I was flat out relieved. I finally figured out where all those bags of cantaloupe seeds with one or two in each one were coming from. I had been planning to set my game camera up in the kitchen and make sure I wasn’t sleepwalking or going off the reservation at night.