Yesterday in our illustrious Tacoma, Washington News Tribune progressive fishwrap, there was an illuminating article about doomsday preppers. Apparently there’s No Business Like Doom Business. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now the latest fad of a select group of Survival Jihadists who will be the New Frontier when the balloon goes up. Storage Wars was getting rather tired. You can only get so much joy out of Darryl scoring a complete set of Fiestaware worth $24 dollars when he spent $600 to get there.

What took me aback in this article was the thrust of the couple interviewed. Tyler and Katie Smith, along with their two heavily armed children, Lance (3) and Wyatt (2), indicate that they are our worst nemesis in the event of a social disruption. No, I’m not talking about Facebook crashing. 29 year old Tyler states they will be coming to visit you if you live in their neighborhood with the object of taking by force any medical supplies or other desirable items you have. He feels confident he can survive on their 2 year hoard of MREs, Skittles and pancake mix. Maybe your food is better. He didn’t elaborate.

In his words,”Most preppers are concerned with marauders taking their supplies. It’s not an unfounded fear.” This is where it diverges from reality. “We are those people. We’ll kick your door in and take your supplies…we are the marauders.” He claims no desire to divest citizens of their big screen TVs or toasters, however.

Let’s put this in perspective. I watched the Doomsday Preppers show last week which is why I even chose to read this drivel. Here’s what I saw. A guy was wielding up 18″ by 36″ steel tubes, filling them with foodstuffs and ammo and wielding an end onto them. He and his family then took the 80 to 100 lb. tubes out into the saltwater bay adjacent to their home and kicked them overboard being careful to sight to two landmarks on shore. This will ensure they can be found when needed. I am not going to point out what temperature a wielding bead burns at. I am not going to point to the operable word “saltwater”. If even one person witnessed this, s/he is going to be akin to the curious cat and the only cure will be satisfying their curiosity. Assuming the contents of the tube survived the heat of wielding and don’t corrode, everything inside is going to taste burnt. Assuming also that they don’t have a hurricane, these behemoths will stay put. That’s just two too many assumptions for me. Murphy’s law is fraught with why this is a baaaaaad idea.

As for the heavily armed Smith and his krewe? They comprise a group known as Spartan Survival with 80 dues-paying members, including his cousin Chris P., cousin in law  Junior L., his brother Darryl, his other brother Darryl and a cast of thousands as they say at MGM. There may be some other shirttail relatives named Darryl but the article didn’t mention them nor did it specify if Tyler’s wife and children were also dues paying members. I’m struggling to figure out why you have to join an End of the World Club. I thought the whole idea was singular, rugged individuality, lots of guns/ammo and an adequate supply of food until cel service returned and you could Tweet for help.

Reverting back to the only thing I can grasp for a comparison, I don’t remember us ever advertising in the Long Tieng Gazette about how much Foo Gas and Claymores we had on our perimeter and the spacing of the trip flares.  We certainly didn’t publish the FRAG orders over at the AOC informing the Pathet Lao of the strafing schedule on Route 7   either. Mr. Smith feels differently and even lets down his guard by revealing he and his compadres have tons of food on site and more caches secreted in the regions surrounding his home.

Our Mr. Smith is also a Survival consultant and makes his living that way. Several days ago he assembled the whole extended family at the rural property to look for a hidden, buried string. Unless it was fish line and virtually transparent, I doubt it would be much of a threat. Being buried, no one can explain how one would trip over it and thus initiate a spring loaded trap. It was preparation, according to Smith, for detecting a trip wire for a bomb. Back the boat up to the dock, Gilligan. People in a disaster are searching for food, gas and other comestibles. They are not out and about rigging IEDs on the acreage surrounding your house in hopes that you will soon be there. Additionally, homeowners defending their residences are not in the habit of rigging IEDs in their back yards with ammonium nitrate and diesel.

Here’s another priceless tip on how to survive. “During Friday’s training, Katie and Chris took in some target practice using a 12 gauge shotgun. Several pumpkins were summarily executed. The group doesn’t spend a lot of time shooting. It takes away from the prepping thing,  Smith says”. I expect that their idea of marauding is a social affair that doesn’t entail a lot of malicious gunfire. Perhaps they go door to door in a suburban environment and politely ask for donations with unloaded guns when the balloon goes up.

Tyler and his band of Merry Men are also constructing their very own bulletproof vests in preparation for storming your house. They have been collecting shower tile and salvaging aluminum. They sew it into vests and claim it is stronger than the Level 2A tactical Kevlar vests sold in stores. He recently tested it out against a 12 gauge point blank and actually survived the blast. I would have loved to have been standing by with the Darwin award if he’d attempted it with a .223.  At slightly less than one hundred pounds per vest, these things are a Godsend according to him. He’s planned future testing on them against .22s and perhaps a .30-06. Please don’t blow coffee through your nose and blame me. I’m just the messenger here. I report. You get to laugh.

Tyler admits he’s not quite ready for the Big Bang. Being grossly obese and out of shape can do that to you but he has lost 80 lbs recently and runs the mile in 26:40- down from an hour and a half last year. The problem, as most see it, is Doom waits for no man. If you aren’t in shape when Society descends into anarchy, you could be left behind. Toward that end, he is working on getting his BMI back in the black. Katie looks a little chunky, too  like she’s a candidate for Weight Watchers® but we don’t get to go there. Men are not allowed to diagnose weight or PMS. Besides, that will all come off in an extended period of social upheaval. Hoofing several miles to retrieve your food stash is valuable exercise and is reputed to just melt those extra pounds off.

Here’s another tasty morsel: “Smith wrapped up his training Friday by demonstrating how to apply camouflage makeup and dirt to his cousin’s face. He then had Chris hide in ferns to demonstrate how easily he could blend in.” I’m dying to see the makeup version that helps you blend in while traversing a suburban neighborhood. How about some of that new, celery green  or the copper color that VW is using on their cars? Chrome boots, anyone? Faux leather eyeliner?

In a more serious vein, if there is such high ground here, I might point out what most of us who went to war know. Aw, hell. You didn’t even have to go to war to figure this out. By the numbers:

1) field of fire-eliminate anything that can be used for cover near your house . A chainsaw works wonders. Put that on your list. Don’t neglect the two-stroke oil, either. The wife isn’t going to be overly enchanted to see the pyracantha mowed down but such is the price of societal disasters. Always try for enfilading fire on the flanks. Make them run into your bullets instead of having to aim at them. If you’re not an accomplished marksman, this will make you look like William Tell.  What the hey? You can hum the song while you’re doing it because you really don’t need to aim.

2) Assemble a bare minimum of a case of ammo (1,000 rds) for your long range weapons. Try to keep weapons the same caliber so as to stock fewer types/calibers of ammo. There’s nothing more useless than a gun with no ammo.

3) pistols/revolvers/shotguns are fine for inside work if they breach your home entry but are absolutely useless for long range defense. Shotguns, while absolute hell on pumpkins close up, are non-lethal and worthless past 65 yards.

4) to prevent unwanted guests like Tyler from showing up unannounced, we suggest dropping a few trees with the chainsaw in the driveway. Make them walk in. They’ll probably be out of breath when they get there and easy targets. Remember, they’re  going to be sporting those 100 lb. vests.

5) buy a dehydrator and dry fresh fruits and veggies for reconstitution later. This comprehends the lack of electricity. Concurrently, Survivalists probably won’t recognize it as food if it isn’t labeled as such like Skippy’s® peanut butter. Know your enemy’s weaknesses.

6) get a large generator (12.5 KW) and keep lots of gas on hand. I suggest you also make a habit of keeping your gas tanks in your vehicles close to full as well for a reserve supply. The sound of it is going to be a siren call to all those Doomsday Preppers. Consider it akin to a duck call. It will give you endless entertainment when they show up in camo paint.

7) Don’t bury your food. Locate it in a safe, accessible place where it won’t get wet and the rats won’t find it. Crawlspaces are right out unless you have rat proof containers like steel trashcans. Burying it miles from your house is pointless. Consider how much energy will be expended going off site to get it.

8) remember this is a temporary phenomenon until Society rebuilds and normal social etiquette resumes. Eventually you’ll get to know your neighbors a lot better because you’ll see them face to face rather than on Facebook. Think about it. You won’t even have to hit “like”. “Sharing” will then take on a new meaning like giving them extra veggies or ammo.

9) get lots of seeds and plant a garden. Use the excess to barter for that which you do not have. Nobody likes a selfish “taker” who offers nothing in return. Remember, people like Tyler don’t eat pumpkins. They shoot them. How they hope to survive on MREs is beyond me. That’s three lies in one, incidentally-Meals, Ready and Eat.

10) As a last word of caution, don’t stock a lot of Dinty Moore Beef Stew®. Rumor has it Survivalists consider this the nectar of the Gods. Concentrate on Quinoa and things they can’t spell or pronounce. Keep your grains out in the open down in the horse barn and they’ll mistakenly believe it’s for the animals. Look at the IQ of the competition if you doubt me.

11) Concentrate on the three G’s-Gas, Guns and Grains. Hunker down and create a fortress. Do not plan on loading up the rig and getting on the road. Forget the “boogie bags” with bare essentials for a day or a week. The gas stations will not be open. Neither will Safeway. Chances are Big Five will be sold out on most items so there really is no need to think about shopping after it happens.

12) Do not tell everyone you know on Facebook about how well-prepared you are unless you desire to have the biggest Kumbaya party you ever didn’t plan on. The whole idea on this is to be subtle.  And by all means, don’t contact the National Geographic Society and tell them (and America) how you have this all lined out.

13) do not shoot 9 millimeter, .357 magnum or .44 magnum pistols indoors unless you are wearing ear protection. They are supersonic and will (not may) rupture your eardrums. At least one window will break if there are no doors open, too. Shotguns  are safe for use indoors but AR or AK weapons with rifle calibres are also supersonic. Be sure of your target.  Another word of advice-advise your family members not to use camouflage face paint to facilitate identification of friend or foe.

14) Camo gear is all well and fine. It makes a wonderful statement about your ability to prepare for disaster. If you enjoy hanging out in the ferns, it can be useful for birding.  It is not, however, bulletproof.  Actually, very few vests are without an integral, ballistic-rated ceramic chestplate. Ceramic bath tile in conjunction with roofing tar may not stand up to the bigger calibres. Experiment before attempting live testing.

15) No doom and gloom scenario would be complete without a gas mask or two but ask yourself- “How many marauders are going to show up here with 40 mike-mike tactical tear gas launchers?” Considering the effective range of one is about 60 yards, chances are you could eliminate the threat before they get close enough to employ it.

16) these assumptions are based on rural living. If you live in the city, I’d plan on shacking up with Tyler and his family down in Enumclaw. They’re in the White Pages. His cel is unlisted but it’s 253-867-5309. Pretty easy to remember. Try singing it without the area code.

Bon chance when the balloon goes up, fellow doom fanatics.

Happy Veterans Day, too. It’s that most wonderful time of the year…