Joining together in consternation at the continuing impasse between Congress and the White House over the budget debacle, Disabled American Veterans’ executive director held a press conference at the Washington, DC  World War II memorial (where else) to bemoan the financial state of affairs facing 33 of our Veterans Service Organizations. 

Garry Owen, the DAV spokesman, pointed out that the shutdown has caused extreme financial stress for the major VSOs’ Chief Executive Officers (CEOs) and the hierarchy of the organizations. “We depend on the government to fund us regardless of what we tell Veterans. Those Power of Attorney documents (VA Form 21-22) are a vast source of our operating capital.  We’re effectively fenced out of that income as long as Regional Offices are affected by the shutdown. If something doesn’t happen soon, our upper management will be forced to lay off rank and file service representatives. Dues from the organization will always cover the salaries of the upper echelons and our lobbyists but the little guys are gonna get creamed. Screwing up Veterans claims will have to be put on the back burner. I can’t speak for the other Service organizations but this may cut into our plans for DAV’s  barbecue Luau  and conference in Maui this summer. I don’t think Congress is thinking this through. Many of them have been invited and absent the funds, we can’t put it on.”

Other VSOs voiced the same concerns. Cal Worthington, the CEO of the Air Force Airmen’s Association (AFAA) stepped up to the microphone next and bemoaned the fact that they only have enough money to keep their corporate jet airborne for another three days. After that, they’ll be forced to ground it and  seek other forms of first class public transportation. Said Worthington ” Americans don’t realize how many of us are bellying up to the trough for funds to help Veterans. We provide an important service to Veterans by mailing in their Power of Attorney and making sure it gets to the VA. After that, them Veterans is pretty much on their own but it is the critical, early filing of that document that sets the timeline for when we get paid. It’s a vicious cycle. No POAs means no money for us. We simply can’t operate that way. We’re stakeholders in the Veterans movement and it involves a lot of talking. That’s thirsty work and requires some lubrication of the vocal chords. Liquor in Washington DC isn’t cheap so it behooves Congress to get off their duffs and renew our income stream.”

Most VSO spokesmen concur that a protracted shutdown would result in irrevocable damage to their good names. When queried on how that might be, a spokesman identified as “Steve”  for the  Veterans of No Wars (VNW) exclaimed “Don’t you guys get it? If Vets realize they can do it without us, we’ll become an anachronism! Pro se Vets are a danger to us as well as themselves. Our continued existence hinges on their stupidity. They think we actually do something. Say… you’re not going to print this, are you? This is strictly off the record, get it?”

In order to keep a close eye on developments, we’ve dispatched asknod correspondents to DC to hang out at the WWII and Viet Nam memorials daily since that seems to be where the action is. Since advocating for Vets in DC is trés expensive, small contributions not to exceed $100,000 in small unmarked bills in standard white envelopes will be accepted. Our pulchritudinous correspondents can be identified by their large purses and lapel pin with the Asknod WWVD logo (What Would A Veteran Do). See below.

We thank you in advance for your generous contributions.

Lord knows in this litigious era of lawsuits, it behooves us here at asknod to point out this is pure, unadulterated sarcastic humor. Thus, the urge to sue me á la Wounded Wallet Krewe has been extinguished before the depositions are even taken.  There were no VSO spokesmen named Gary Owen or Cal Worthington. Cal was a notable car salesman first in SoCal and then in Seattle. Gary Owen, or more properly garyowen, is a groundpounder thing.  Rest in peace, Cal and Gary. Steve? Well, he may or may not be a fig newton of the imagination given what is humorously attributed to him.