Titan- 1.47 lbs of trouble.

Due to higher than expected costs of administering the VA Bonus program for senior personnel, the VISNs throughout the United States, Puerto Rico and the Philippine Islands have suspended their use of larger, aggressive K-9 units.  Typically staffed by German Shepherds or Rottweilers, the K-9 force has been an able deterrent against aggressive Veterans who frequently become obstreperous or unmanageable at VA Medical Centers for absolutely no reason. As most Veterans are on psychotropic medications, they sometimes exhibit superhuman strength when angry. 

In view of a new, evolving philosophy of engagement and rapport, VAMC police will henceforth employ a far better deterrent with their new chihuahua-only force. Trained to quickly alert their masters to imminent danger or approaching supervisors while on donut breaks,  these little “dogs in a bag” are a welcome adjunct to their new TASER pistols.

Armed with their new $13,800 Fairchild TASERs, even the smallest female officers can now project power without a backup. Corporal Sheila Taggert nicknamed her 64,000 volt pistol The Terminator. “The first time I used it, I nearly broke the sucker’s neck. This big ol’ 80-year-old Kooo-rea Vet thinks he’s gonna talk down to me? No way, honey. I leave mine on ‘paralyze’. You only got to zap them once and that’s all she wrote. Uh-huh”.

Said Sgt. Tom Cline, day-shift supervisor of the VAMC American Lake Federal Police, “The nurses just love the little guys and the feed bill is peanuts. They’re helpful in all but the most difficult situations like over at the Psychiatric Wing. We usually end up having to put the big guys down but we set it on  ‘Stun’ so they don’t do the chicken for more than a minute. What the hey? They’re Veterans. Right? We’re not trying to kill ’em. The best thing was we didn’t even have to repaint the cars so we saved a lot of money for bonuses there, too.”