In our continuing series on the care and feeding of the female psyche, we come across many cutting edge technologies for assessing our progress out of our cave man past and into the modern era. Due to testosterone poisoning, we are actually condemned to making the same host of errors over and over. Nevertheless we strive to escape our stereotyped existence.

For those of you who are truly challenged, member Cal has sent me a new tool to help those incorrigible few who seem compelled to making the same mistakes over and over. If this helps even one of you fellow Vets, then it will have been time well-spent typing this up.

Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

*        Make Cupcake happy.

*        Do something she likes and you get points.

*        Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

*        You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

*        Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

*      You make the bed (+1)

*      You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

*      You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

*      You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

*      But also return with Beer (-5)

*      You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

*      You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

*      You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

*      You pummel it damaging your favorite Big Bertha driver (+10)

*      It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

*      You stay by her side the entire party (0)

*      You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an

old school friend (-2)

*      Named Tina (-10)

*      Tina is a dancer (-20)

*      Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

*        You take her out to dinner (+2)

*        You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)

*        Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)

*        And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

*        It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

*        You take her to a movie (+1)

*        You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

*        You take her to a chick flick you hate (+6)

*        You cry at the chick flick and pretend to

hide it from her (+20)

*        You take her to a movie you like (-2)

*        It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)

*        You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

*        You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

*        You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid

of it (+10)

*        You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans

and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

*        You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

*        She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no

matter what)

*        You hesitate in responding (-10)

*        You reply, “Where?” (-35)

*        Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

*        When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,

displaying a concerned expression (0)

*        You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

*        You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the

TV (+500)

*        She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

While this is partial list, newer installments to cover other contingencies will be forthcoming as they are developed or recognized.