In the Beginning there was nothing.

Eventually something developed…

Once upon a time long, long ago in the land of Nod, there evolved a warrior class like no other. Mind you, this was centuries before Adam and Eve started playing house over in the Eden Acres subdivision. They became known by their leader’s name of Weeber. People came from miles around to watch the magic boys and pay obeisance . In turn, the Weeber  felt obliged to protect them and gave them sanctuary in time of need. Wandering hordes were all the rage back then. The Weeber had much higher morals and gradually other warlike tribes began to emulate them. They developed a camaraderie like none other seen in its time and a system of rank that genuinely reflected their abilities-unlike later armies. Colonol, Major, and indeed General, were titles earned with scars and true grit. Men wore these titles proudly and rightfully so. They were giants among men. The strongest from neighboring tribes sought membership in this army.  The concept of REMFs and girlymen would not develop for several thousand more years.

In the off years between wars, the Weeber would engage in reenactments of prior, famous  military engagements for entertainment and to bring in some beer and smokes money. They became so good at this that they were often hired as extras for big Bollywood plays over in New Dehli which was the entertainment capital of the known world back then.  In fact,  New Dehli still is but more for Asian chick flicks now. This is where the term “A cast of thousands ” is thought to have originated.

Weebers were known to go out and hunt large animals with low-calibre weapons such as spears, bows and arrows in order to give their prey a fair chance. This created a lot of injured Weebers too, I don’t mind telling you. Their barbecues were all the rage and the subject of endless talk  for their lavishness. Some of their affairs were known to last for a week or more or until the meat went rotten.

About this time, an adjacent agrarian tribe in a neighboring land became wise beyond their years in the production of all things vegetable. God saw this and blessed them with the Miracle of Fermentation. And He saw that it was good. Due to their great wisdom, they became known to all as the Whyser Tribe. Being a rather simple folk, they called each other Bud. As in “Hey Bud. How they hanging (referring to each others’ grapes drying into raisins)”? The Whyser clan grew exponentially after God’s introduction of the Magic Yeast. It seems there was much affection between the opposite sexes. The Whyser became more diluted by marriage in later centuries but their fermenting prowess has been handed down to the likes of the Coors Tribe and the later immigrants called the Pabst. Many of the Orthodox Whyser settled in what is now the city of Milwaukee. They still tout themselves to this day as being the finest. Orthodox Whyser adhere to the practice of only using a kiss of the hops.

Eventually the Whyser formed a compact of peace and brotherly love forever with the Weeber. They realized they had much in common and began bringing some of their vegetables and fermented products to the barbecues. This was the beginning of Toga parties, tailhook conventions and many an unwanted or unexpected pregnancy. The Magic Yeast had the added effect of greatly increasing the Weebers’ numbers too. God saw this was good. He’d already told them to go forth and multiply and Lordy boy were they complying.

As  small hamlets became more interlaced, the small nation-states evolved and a patriotic fervor would develop with the urge to preserve a way of life. This required leaders with clear heads, not Weebers who were considered too uncouth, emotional and party animals.  The Weeber were called ever more frequently on a case by case basis to defend this lifestyle against outside forces who would rend it asunder. They charged on a per-battle basis for the most part and were scrupulously honest. Eventually a compact was arrived at between these nation states and the Weeber. Thus evolved the modern concept of a paid, standing Army. This gradual move away from mercenaries to a professional army became the model for all  eventually.

As Weeber personnel grew old, rotated out from injuries or retired, they were cared for by their loyal brethren. As their numbers grew, a compact with society developed and they were able to negotiate for these older and injured Weeber. They came to be called Veterans which is a very old Weeber term for “he who has borne the battle”.  Since they never amounted to much more than 8 % of the population and were prone to die rather young from their injuries, they got a pretty good shake. Not great, mind you, but enough to live a good life by.

The Weeber pronunciation gradually changed over centuries into Wayber and in the late eighteenth century evolved into the modern day Weber. In fact, a company that handed down the concept of barbecues for many centuries named their product after these fierce warriors. But I digress. That is a story for another day.

Over succeeding centuries many a nation state rose to prominence on the backs of its military. As they grew larger, almost all became lazy and started padding the payroll with their own relatives. This put an added strain on the relationship between them and the Weeber. Lots of social expenditures always do. Because they tended to short sheet the Weeber Veterans with an ever-smaller cut of the vegetables, meat and fermented adult beverages, said Veterans gradually became homeless and unable to fend for themselves. Their fellow brethren gradually forsook them because they were having their own battles trying to get better quality swords that held their edge and didn’t rust.  Since all weapons were now supplied by the leaders of the nation states, there was much animosity afoot about shoddy workmanship and serviceable weapons being in short supply.

As for the Veterans, things would gradually come to a head. Every time, in a bid to appease the Veterans and keep in the good graces of the Weeber warrior class, the governments, as they came to be known, would renew lavish promises to care for them. Promises were made and gifts were exchanged. Solemn vows were incanted and 125-day incense was burned 98% of the time. Nevertheless the social spending for all the lazy city folk would eventually erode the treasury and the Veterans would once again  find themselves holding the smelly end of the punji stick.. Much like the later treaties with the American Indians, the governments reneged on their promises. Many of these Nation states then fell due to the anger engendered by their actions. The Weeber would rise up and hold coup parties with the  civilian bozos as the guests of honor for a Texas-style necktie party. The Whyser were always enlisted for these enterprises and the barbecues would begin again sans the do-nothing cityfolk.

History tends to repeat itself as if no one reads about it. Fast forward to 1776 and a disaffected immigrant Weeber and Whyser populace who were mad as hell and not inclined to take it anymore.

Our Fourth of July celebration is a remembrance of this propensity of humans everywhere to rise up and throw off the yoke of oppression and taxation. Once again, 1776 bred the need for a new class of Weeber made up of a melting pot of many different tribes.  This was the beginning of our modern day military and of the inception of its marriage with its Veterans-and America.. We still celebrate with barbecues on devices called Weber® in their honor.

In fact, if you survey the civilian populace closely, you will see this desire to emulate the military (and the original Weeber) in some of their endeavours. Witness the advent of Colonel Sanders chicken, major corporations and general contractors to name a few. The list is endless.  Did you ever wonder about the meaning of  “Weebers wobble but they don’t fall down”? It’s a reference to the indomitable spirit of Weebers. Again, I digress.

On this auspicious occasion, the 236th anniversary of the  birth of America, I would like to wish all of you a happy and safe Fourth of July. Thank you past and present Veterans and Weebers for the fact I am speaking English and am entrusted with the right to keep and bear arms. Amen. Gentlemen, start your Weebers®.