After it was divulged that VA Human Resources personnel were treated to not one, but two shindigs in Orlando involving millions of dollars, VA has admitted to taking steps that will curb about half the abuses cited. They did admit, however, wasteful spending of $762,000 but not a dime more. Relax. Denial is the first phase of a disease process. Eventually, they will embrace their shortcomings and by 2060 will be willing to incorporate some of the recommendations from an outside review panel. 

What was not negotiable, according to UnderSecretary for VA Bashes Allison “in Wonderland” Hickey, was the idea that anyone-Congress included- was going to tell her how to institute her version of Six Sigma training.

“We owe it to our Veterans to give them the very best. Sometimes this involves teaching our personnel in warm, southern locales with easy access to entertainment facilities. This isn’t an “all work-no play” game. VA employees need mindless entertainment like jello shots and Karaoke in order to unwind after a long day at the cheese and wine tastings. Tasking these employees with mind-numbing concepts that only a VA employee can grasp causes burnout and we can’t afford that. We have too much invested in them. Now that Congress has effectively neutered our bonuses, we have to segue into a new paradigm. We’re more than willing to meet Congress and Veterans halfway but taking Orlando, Bahamas or Jamaica off the table is non-negotiable. Besides, most VA employees make far less than their counterparts in the private sector so we have to offer a competitive wage.” said Hickey.

When queried as to who she was referring to in the private sector, she indicated GEICO Nationwide and other major insurance companies. A quick check revealed most GEICO employees were lucky to see a median wage of $49,000 a year with a no-frills medical policy. VA employees, on the other hand, appear to have a median wage of $94,000 annually with a generous medical/dental plan. VA’s PR flack, Bob, who declined to give his last name, was unable to rebut the reporter’s findings explaining that the work VA does is simply incomparable to the civilian sector.

“What you’re doing is comparing oranges to orangutans.” We’re the VA. We don’t have to answer to anyone. Congress doesn’t get it. They should be worrying about how to fix Obamacare and leave the heavy lifting of Veterans claims to people who know what they’re doing. We are unique in DC. Nobody knows how to do what we do.” said Bob.

Some would say they, too, do not know how to do what it is they are tasked with. Well, allow me to offer a codicil. They are well-versed in the art of denial.