I received this one from Joseph Average Veteran on the travails of Mr. Carl Lowe, former esteemed, exalted Loyal Moose of  VARO Whacko in Texas from 2000 to 2011. It seems his paltry $173 K a year didn’t even cover the cost of  quality sturgeon eggs and morel mushrooms on toastpoints chased by Perrier Jouet.

Fortunately for Mr. Lowe, the VA had already studied the problem and came up with a supplemental budget plan to reward him with “frequent denier” points. These in turn could be redeemed around Christmas every year for a valuable cash prize of about $13 K. The munificence and largesse permitted Carl and the Missus a valuable cushion to the wine cellar. Similarly, they could steer valuable VA “meet and greet” business to the caterer who just happened to have the only fresh sturgeon eggs and ice carver in Koreshville or thereabouts.

So how come we never hear…

Washington, DC UPI

By staff reporter Bradley Manning

Department of Veterans Affairs spokesman Jed Clampett (no relation to the TV Clampetts) met with reporters at the Department of Veterans Affairs building, 810 Vermont Ave. NW this morning and confirmed it was Veterans Law Judge Steven Forrell whose body was found in his BMW Z4 with the engine running in the garage this morning. His wife of six years, twenty four year-old Winona, found him when she got up at 10 AM.

“I was like why am I hearing this car, you know, and I like left my favorite Yoga mat in the Corvette so I went out to get it. Whoa, you know. The smell was like over the top so I opened the garage doors. Stevie was out of it so I called 911 and got back to the Yoga thing on TV. It had something to do with carbon dioxide and it like toasted him you know? He’d been acting really weird since we took the second out on the mortgage last year. Jez, I hope he had a good term life policy with a mortgage rider or I’m screwed. Bummer, huh?

Coworkers said he had been extremely depressed over the length of time it was taking to get his promised VA bonuses. VA has been experiencing a backlog in distributing checks to Service Center managers, the aforementioned Veterans Law Judges and, well,  just about generally everyone who worked at the VA. The suicide rate has climbed dramatically among government workers since the bonus backlog began and peaked in 2012 according to the latest 2012 VA statistics. Judge Forrell’s demise marks the fifth VA Veterans Law Judge to take his own life in the last twelve months.

VA spokesman Clampett

Mr. Clampett emphasized the fact that the bonus delay is currently down to a mere 474 days from date of eligibility- a significant drop of over 12 percent over this time last year. VA financial beancounters project this “perfect storm” will be resolved by 2015 and the average wait will henceforth be 125 days or less (with 98% accuracy). Mr. Clampett also pointed to the fact that VA has hired 1600 new medical personnel in the psychiatric field and over 200 new psychologists who will be available to help any of these government workers who are Veterans.

VA began instituting the Veterans Bonus Moolah System (VBMS) electronically in 1812 shortly after the invention of electricity. It’s been slow going said Clampett because it’s so difficult trying to hide the payments off the books. Only recently have VA personnel been through ASPIRE training to keep two sets of records-one just for the VAOIG. VA is also keeping a close watch on its workers for signs of mental instability, stress, depression, gambling addiction, ETOH abuse or sudden, new personality disorders.  Coworkers are encouraged to report anything strange about their fellow workers anonymously by email to IRIS@va.gov. using their VA email addresses.

DON’T BE SELFISH IF HE’S SUICIDAL

TURN IN YOUR COWORKER

(800-827-1000)

The bonus you save may be your own