Another village is missing its designated idiot and this unfortunate condition will continue for a year and a day. For the three years following that, he’ll be on a short leash picking up trash along the interstates of Iowa.

A gal I used to date (Lynn Tepaske) often asked people “You do know that Iowa is simply an abbreviation, right?”( Idiots Out Walking Around). She was born and raised there and couldn’t wait to beat feet for Seattle when she attained majority status. She was still in Honolulu the last time I checked selling  flowers in the evening in bars. You’d recognize her because she’s an extremely attractive blonde and has Christmas tree-type lights in her hair and leis. Enough of Lynn.

Jeffrey Scott Kepler, age 53, of Altoona, Iowa wins our Alfred E. Neuman award this month for good cause as you will see. His error? Well, most likely it happened when he opened his pie hole:

Kepler falsely claimed to have served in the Army for 2 years, 11 months, and 23 days between January 1977 and August 1979, portraying himself as an Airborne Ranger, who qualified for Officer Candidate School, and a war hero, who had been awarded numerous Army medals, including the Silver Star, and twice awarded the Bronze Star and Purple Heart.

I suspect that when the astute VA raters sat down and tried to figure out which war he got all the medals in, they came up a little short. With the possible exception of the post-Vietnam Mayaguez incident in Cambodia, there was no seminal military moment until President Ronnie invaded Grenada in 1983. I don’t count the crash and burn in the Iranian desert when Carter the Last tried to rescue our Embassy folks. I doubt they handed out any Silver Stars for that one.

The long and the short is that there just weren’t any opportunities for Mr. Kepler to “be all that he could be” and certainly not in a short twenty seven day stint at Boot camp. I’m sure they hand out Purple Hearts for blisters but only in a designated, declared time of war.  Since he wasn’t involved in any or serving during those times, trying to claim a Silver Star, two Bronze Stars and Purple Nurple were bound to draw a few “wow”s and at least one “How did he do that?”

Once again, the Tim Poes of the world have stubbed their toe on the unfortunate facts of history-or here, the lack thereof. For lack of a war, the claim was lost.  That must be a new first for both VA and Mr. Kepler. I think what is most amazing is that a VA rater actually caught it. I don’t mean to say they are inept but that they have computerized this to such a great degree that it might slip by unnoticed. The DD 214, unless it is rife with mistakes, erasures and white out, would probably pass muster. I’m going to go with my Tim Poe theory where someone spotted the lack of a boundary dispute or a good old fashioned,  knock down-drag out, legitimate war and decided to investigate further.

I find it interesting that Mr. Kepler only got a year and a day whereas the VA decided to incarcerate Keith Roberts for four long years. Keith didn’t even claim any medals and he still got the shaft. There must be a mathematical formula I’m missing that dictates how long for what. I feel five years for the medals fraud ought to be tacked on like a gun enhancement to a bank robbery. I certainly hope he doesn’t run into any former Rangers   on an extended staycation for urinating on dead Afghanis while he is a guest. That may prove problematical to someone 53 years old.

One has to wonder too about the collective IQ of his local American Legion if they swallowed this story. In addition to the hard time, he acquiesced in the plea agreement to relinquish his medals and war paraphernalia. He probably isn’t going to need them anymore. The burning question on everyone’s lips has to be  “Is 27 days of service long enough to be considered “military service”in the eyes of the American Legion?”

Jeffrey is certainly going to need a familiar bar with friends when he gets out, right? It’s Iowa’s job to mainstream him back into society.

Sometimes you want to go
where everybody knows your name
and they’re always glad you came.
You want to be where you can see
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.© Cheers

I must say the VAOIG made their bones on this one. I wager they spent a million dollars in pursuit of saving $50,000 or less. It’s the thought that counts.