Last fall I was in the waiting room at the American Lake VAMC dental clinic. I always get appointments for the first opening of the day. If you’ve ever been there, you’d understand. Just because you have an appointment for 1030 hrs means nothing. I once waited until after lunch for mine. Early appointments cannot be abrogated. You’re first in line at o715. It’s not like they can come out and say they’re running a little behind. To be safe I always arrive early as prescribed by vA law.

Since vA is always running behind, my New Year’s resolution for 2013 is to be late by 15 minutes for every appointment there. Since they are always running late,  I’ll spend less time waiting and quite possibly make them cool their heels a few times. Personally, I doubt that’s going to happen. Considering the fact that they run late perennially, I could be right on time.

As my garden was in full production stage, I had a bag of fresh squash and cucumbers for Ethel, the technician who cleans my teeth. Why they are called technicians is a story for another day.  Technician implies something mechanical like a computer repairman or a Best Buy® salesman.  To me, Ethel is a dental artisan. She makes my smile beautiful. I’m not acquainted with anyone who makes computers beautiful.

While waiting, I filled out a Travel voucher for reimbursement. A gentleman seated across from me noticed the vegetables and asked about them. I proudly announced that it had been a good year and Ethel was vegan- hence my gift. He allowed as he, too, had a garden and we proceeded to discuss the trials and tribulations of the trade. This went on for a while until he  let slip ” You haven’t seen anything until you see the garden they have under Denver.”

After a long, pregnant pause, I checked my hearing aid  to see if perhaps the battery had died without warning me. It’s never happened before but they’re cheapo depot vA hearing aids. Speech recognition has always been a bitch since that Mk 82 went off about 1000 yds from me in 70. No luck. Gingerly, I stepped out onto the thin ice and asked about this storied garden. Jimbo Vet proceeded to tell me all about how they had secretly constructed a vast city underground out near the old Stapleton Airport a decade or so ago. By now, he’d moved over and sat down beside me and was talking in a loud whisper. He had bad breath. We were alone but he constantly looked around to check for eavesdroppers. This frankly escaped me. Why tell a total stranger about the existence of a  a secret enclave and then worry about Russian spies in a Veterans Dental clinic?

I nodded my head vigorously like one of those bobble-head dolls you put on the dashboard just in case he was violent. I politely inquired as to what the purpose was of this vast hidden empire. It was for Armageddon. The last gasp of civilization. The government would be ensconced there and await the rebirth of the nation and then emerge and restore society. The immense garden was to feed these souls. Apparently the place out in West Virginia originally constructed for this purpose was outdated and had no room to expand which explained the move to Denver.

By now, I was beginning to think he’d been smoking Denver’s finest left-handed tobacco or had dental problems that caused mental abberations. I’ve heard of people’s dental fillings acting like antennas for AM radio stations.  He spoke long and earnestly about the construction. He’d been employed with a large construction company which naturally had to remain nameless. There was room for thousands. The garden was larger than 10 Walmarts combined. Why he chose Walmart as a comparison speaks volumes about his shopping habits. He was deep in discussion of the details when the holes in the poles emerged. That would be the entrances at the North and South Poles where the alien spaceship bases were situated. This development was what had prompted the underground construction in Denver. He patiently explained that the aliens would probably expend all their ordnance and efforts destroying the enclave in West Virginia to no avail. America nevertheless would rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and be mighty once again. I was on the verge of telling him this would make a good sci-fi movie.

At that point I had to break off this interesting chit chat. It was 0715 hrs and I had been saved by Ethel.