OMERTÀ–PART TROIS

In what can only be considered record time, the Army’s cranial sufficiency experts determined the fate of the souls shanghaied off in the night to Walter Reed. Of the 14 unfortunates, six were indeed found to be documented cases of certifiable bent brain. An additional six were determined to simply be suffering personality disorders. It appeared the most common was anxiety disorder. This was a great relief to the troops because they had been having suicidal ideations and other symptoms that prompted them to seek help. With this new diagnosis, they can now go on to lead productive lives secure in the knowledge that they are certifiably defect-free. Thus, if they should have occasion to take their own life in the near term, it would be due to intercurrent causes after their service to our great country.

Oddly, 2 of the 14 were determined to be free of any defects at all and were indeed offered re-enlistment papers, including a $49.95 signing bonus. We’ll keep you up to speed on what the future holds for these ” defect-free” servicemen as we receive it. This leaves us with a ratio of 6/14 or a 23.3% rate of disability.

The Rand Corporation has already done a study and determined that the ratio would be one out of every five servicemen from the SWA Olympics. What this means is the Army will be sending their doctors back for reindoctrination training to trim that pesky percentage down at least 3.3% to comport with the Rand findings. According to sources, a misprint was reputedly found in one of the manuals that accidentally qualified many more Vets for PTSD than were entitled. Once this discrepancy is instituted, it is believed that the numbers will align more with the statistical model.

In fact, Major Gen. Vogel, the head of Western Regional Medical Command, emphasized that further investigation was warranted: “We have a responsibility to identify the cause of variance, eliminate diagnostic variance, and standardize our processes across all of Army medicine.” Left unsaid was the spectre of revising the requirements upwards to make the illness unattainable.

At this point, the Army admits it doesn’t have a clue how many Vets are wandering around off the reservation with what they characterize as an “upwardly-adjusted” diagnosis. They claim they’ll have a handle on it a week or so. The Army’s spokeswoman for the the Army Surgeon General (ASG) said “We want to do the right thing”. In fact, in testimony before a congressional subcommittee this month, the ASG said they just wanted ensure the Army diagnoses bent brain “consistently”. No distinction was made to our representatives as to whether she meant “right” or “wrong” as a modifier for the adverb “consistently”.

Sen. Tennyrunners said [there] “are still some big unanswered questions” about how much veterans’ compensation payments played a role in the decisions. Wow. Way to be on top of this. Ya think? One thing I will say for the little lady-she doesn’t miss much.

Rumor has it that a bare minimum of 145 Veterans may have been given this “bum’s rush” through the Madigan shrink mill. Unofficial sources cite a far higher number Army-wide or world-wide. I’m sure we’re not far from “NEWS and FILM at ELEVEN”.