I called the BVA on their secret number yesterday and talked with a really nice gal named Cybil.  Yes, she actually told me her name. We talked for almost 15 minutes about my claims and their non-progress. She did indicate that the decision will be very soon, though. I’d like to think that she’s not peeing on my leg and telling me it’s raining out.

I asked her about a point of law and that’s when the music stopped. She regretfully informed me that they are not allowed to do that , then tried to answer the question! In the end, she decided she didn’t know and told me to call Dial a Prayer and ask to speak to a “benefits counselor”. That’s an oxymoron. There is no intelligent life there. On the off chance things had changed (remember hope and change?), I did so.

I  was told it was a 23 minute wait. I opted for the callback function. There used to be a default setting to get to the operator. You just pretended you didn’t have a touch tone phone and waited for a live, oxygen-breathing  entity. Twenty three minutes later my callback came in and they promptly disconnected me. Well, hey. That sucks. I called back and this is where it departed reality and entered the theatre of the absurd. The computer-generated person informed me the next opportunity to talk to a live warm-blooded mammal would be today (Wednesday) between 1435 hours and 1435 hours. The machine asked for a confirmation to call me back then or to schedule a different time. I was so flabergasted I inadvertently chose option two for a later date. I was then informed that this would be Monday between 1015 and 1015 or would I like Tuesday? I hung up.

Next I tried the IRIS method. I used to have the link on my toolbar way back when on the old Sony Vaio tower computer. That died. I searched all over ebennies and finally googled the damn thing and found it. Something’s wrong. It shouldn’t require an Act of God to get in touch with these Bozos.

Once upon a time when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and the VAROs were young, you could call them. Shoot, you could take the elevator up to the eleventh floor and walk in to talk to them. Somewhere around 2007, there must have been a Disturbed Veteran incident or they simply got tired of answering the phone. Suddenly we had the new Dial a Smile technology. It wasn’t the end of the world-yet. The phone still rang at the local office and you could get a decent response. Somewhere on down the line that technology was found wanting and they opted for Denise in the Salt Lake RO taking my call or Robert in Oakland. Huh? The IQ dropped below 90 and they resorted to the “Someone will get back to you on this. It’s above my pay grade and I only have the WARMS computer, sir. Have you tried Ebenefits yet?”

Now, we have the “If you want to ask about______, please press one. I tried to go into sub-menu #3 and ask about this burning question of law and was greeted with the news that  a one-time $250.00 payment as part of the 2009 Drain the U.S.Treasury Act would be available on my next paycheck and if I’d like to listen to this again all I had to do was press 4. I never got a human or even a promise of one. What gives? Are these people so verbally challenged that they cannot converse? Do we need to hire more Gomers? Why can’t they sub this out to India?  The BVA isn’t suffering this problem. Cybil answered on the third ring. No Muzak-nothing. I don’t want to get her in trouble , but all she asked for was my SSN. No name, rank, airspeed, tail number or heading.

This doesn’t bode well. I hate to say this but it appears the RO personnel are so embarrassed at a) the backlog ; b) their dismal error statistics and ; c) disgruntled Vets that they have chosen to try to deny us the right to talk to anyone-be they knowledgeable or otherwise. Actually, this is brilliant. If a Vet calls up thinking about filing a claim and your computer tells him you can’t do that until next Monday @ 1015 hours, he’ll probably blow it off. Even if he calls back at 1015, the little recorder will tell him the delay may be 28 minutes and offer the callback/hang up option. Ideally, the filing rate will shrink and the problem will solve itself. VA can then state with some authority that they are finally catching up on the backlog. I wonder who put that one in the suggestion box? They probably got a promotion.

If I hear from Iris, I’ll let you know. I wonder if that’s her real name?