Veterans Claims Help

Some of you probably thought that Dow Chemical quit manufacturing Agents Orange, Blue, White, Pink, Purple and Green after the Vietnam War. You would be wrong. Agent Blue is still manufactured and used extensively in theUS. Agent Purple was 300% stronger than Orange. White was used late in the war, but the picloram was contaminated with cancer-causing HCB. Agent Green was usually mixed with Agent Pink and they both consisted of pure dioxin- the cancer causing ingredient in Orange.  I don’t doubt that Dow continued to sell out  its stocks or shipped them to third world countries after they lost the Government contract. They probably rebranded it as Weedbgone or Nuke-it. Why throw it away perfectly good defolieant when you can sell it?  That stuff sure as hell has no shelf life.

What I really wanted to convey here was the availability of something as nasty as AO for killing  vegetation. I have been using something called monobor chlorate for almost 30 years. Its remarkable. It comes in white pellets or you can dissolve them into water. The former method will require a rainfall to activate it. The latter can be poured on anything or anywhere you don’t want things to grow. Sounds a lot like AO, no? I think its much safer., but I still suggest wearing plastic gloves and a paper mask when spreading it. I wish they’d told me to do something similar in 1970 when the C-123s flew over. This stuff is megatoxic and will probably warp your genes as if Orange or Blue hasn’t already.

Nothing grows for 2 years. Monobor claims only one year because they don’t like to brag. Not only that, if your neighbor has some pesky trees that are obscuring your expensive 270 degree view of theOlympic Mountains, whip up a super condensed batch of the liquid version and water his trees with it late at night. After several days the needles will start to brown and fall off like an unwatered  Christmas tree. Be careful though. Do one tree at a time so it will occur gradually. A $60.00/hour  arborist couldn’t even figure this one out. I know because I went over and offered my theory on the cause(global warming).

I normally use it on my gravel driveway. That was the original idea behind it-not my neighbor. Its a heavy metal product and is reputed to sink straight in and not migrate sideways or downhill. It works equally well on tall Douglas firs and  short  dandelions. I would have named it Agent Brown or Treebgone.And just who would you suspect was the manufacturer of this fine product? Pro-Serve, Inc., a subsidiary of Dow. Their motto? What else? Better living through chemicals.

Next week we’ll discuss pesky neighbors and how to whip up you very own homemade napalm (foo gas) with nothing more than  Diesel, gasoline and Tide laundry detergent. And you thought it was just for whiter whites and redder reds!

We called our inside guys at Fort Fumble to get the skinny on the Libya thing. They always have the latest news from that fishing shack down in Georgia where all the vast right wing conspiracies are hatched.  This is what we found:

     They are busy creating a new ribbon/medal to show participation in the Libyan Theatre. It will have some purple in it to reflect that DADT has been repealed. The struck medal has a Tomahawk Cruise missile on the front with crossed lightning bolts and a bombed out oil derrick in the background. On the obverse is an image of Alfred E. Neuman with the patented “What? Me Worry?” inscribed below it. 

     Illustrious leader decided that we would throw our hat in the ring with the European Union even though we don’t get our oil from him. He initially wanted to do what most of them did to us in Afghanistan- say “We’re with you to the end, Bro”, then bug out on the next flight. His handlers told him that wasn’t an option so they went for Plan B- Rio de Janeiro and a week on the topless beaches. 

     When told that a very strict Muslim Brotherhood–run government like Iran’s was waiting in the wings, he was overheard to say “Good. I never did like that Ghaddafi dude.  He has a really weird first name. Who’d name their kid Moammar? It gives me the creeps.” 

      The US is all set to offer billions in reconstruction aid after the bombs quit falling and the rebels take over. There will be some cost cutting here and there at home to compensate for the increased Foreign Aid package. Illegal immigrants will no longer be  entitled to free coffee and bagels at  Health and Human Resource sites accross the country every morning. People on assistance will have to take 4 furlough days a month without pay to make up the shortfall as well. We may notice a few potholes on the interstate highways, but that is covered in next year’s budget. 

     The President has announced a new Government employment program. People can now apply for AMERICARES jobs overseas in Libya (rhymes with Doubya). The sliding pay scale will start in the mid-five figures and reportedly entails insulating Bedouin tents and water jugs in an effort to save energy and start a “green revolution” to combat Global Warming.  The President rightfully asserted that “This program is just what is needed to kick this stubborn unemployment thing in the ass”. 

     The guys at the Puzzle Palace are always dead on, so there you have it. A short non-war followed by low unemployment and $150.00/barrel oil. This appears to be a win-win situation for all concerned. The President said we may see a slight downside to this rosy picture in the way of runaway inflation and interest rates as high as 16%. This is to be expected and no cause for alarm.  He plans to print more money to combat this and claims he has a contingency plan with the  intriguing catchphrase ” Small denomination bills you can count on”.  

     Our informants also report there is a shortage of those little umbrellas for the Mai Tais since the President and his 6,000-strong entourage hit town last week. Brazilian Government officials have offered a tax subsidy to the manufacturers to increase production temporarily until the President and his party decamp. We’ll keep you posted.  News and film at Eleven tonight. 

 This post is for gentlemen Vets only. I know a lot of women will be drawn to this, but it really has no bearing on them. It isn’t a sexist woman-bashing post either, so calm down.

     Men have a different mental composition than women, thank God, but that leaves us at a strategic disadvantage. We are not in the habit of speaking 25,000 words a day. We see no reason to do so if we can communicate the same sentiments in 2,500 or 250 as far as that goes. We are really adept at doing one thing well at a time with few words.  Men’s mental processes can be summed up as having a lot of boxes. We get one out of the box room and dump out the contents, rummage through them, find that which we seek, and proceed. Some of us (like me) dawdle a bit and look at some of the other items and fondly remember them.  That’s why it takes us a longer time to complete projects, ladies. We have to pick everything back up and mentally cart it back to the box room.  This gives us more time to look around and smell the roses.

     Oddly enough, the NASCAR box is not located next to the NASA box. The biggest box is the one with the former girlfriends. The hunting and fishing box is usually fairly large and some devotees have one of each.  Then there is the workplace box, other friends box, favorite foods box, the golf box, etc. Men are not adroit at cleaning up and filing properly. We often misplace boxes and forget where or what we put in them. All the info is there, but sometimes requires dumping out numerous boxes before locating it. Alcohol has been known to play a part in some of this filing confusion. Left-handed tobacco, too, can be a detriment when boxes are out and in use.

     The VA box generally has a lot of dust on it and rarely comes out. When it does, it usually is at the insistence of the better half to get something done about it (your claim). It is at the mercy of duck hunting season (Dec.-Jan.); Silvers running up in Seiku (Feb.); Wild turkey season (March); Kings running from April- May to August; Dove hunting (Sept.); Deer season (October) and finally Elk season (November). This is why I have enormous hunting and fishing boxes and very little time for the others.

     The VA box was ignored for a long time-until the day I discovered I was really sick.  Then it was out continuously in hopes of funding my hunting. No work= no money= no hunting and fishing.  You don’t need a box in which to store that tidbit of wit. Soon, the VA box was out to the exclusion of all others. If you don’t stay on top of it, important due dates slip by. Claims expire for lack of action. The wife blows an ass gasket when this happens and rightfully so. I hope this helps some of you to understand how and why your brain functions the way it does. It’s really not your fault. Blame Mother Nature for our dilemma. It certainly isn’t our fault!  As you grow older and the testosterone haze finally parts, you start to see a lot more boxes with “urgent” in the box room.

     Now, on the other hand, let us examine women’s brains. Women don’t have boxes. They have filing cabinets. Big, salmon colored multi-drawer filing cabinets (there is no such color as pink).  With ball bearing glides. And color coordinated tabs representing moods dividing all the different subjects. The tabs are capable of metamorphosing into different colors as a woman’s feelings on a given subject change over time. This obviates the need for refiling and allows them to say that their feelings never change-ours did . The above mentioned filing cabinets are very unique. A woman can have more than one drawer open without the cabinet tipping over. This allows her to hedge hop back and forth between two different arguments in adjacent drawers without skipping a beat. I’m sure you’ve noticed this uncanny ability. I have discovered my little Princess can actually have 4 or 5 drawers open without missing a word-much like a circus juggler. I admire her for that. However, it leaves me at a strategic disadvantage rummaging around in one box, then running back to the box room to fetch another to counter the latest argument. Don’t attempt this at home. Men do it in Hollywood sitcoms and movies, but it’s all done with mirrors and stunt men and never happens in real life. Their filing system is light years ahead of our cave man style. We don’t stand a chance. Let them expel their 25,000+ words and nod sagely. I suggest an occasional “I agree completely” interjected along with those sage nods. A man who is an expert at this can get his head going like one of the gals on the 6 o’clock news. You know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, go watch the news.  Raising one’s eyebrows appreciatively is another plus when Princess raises her voice to make a point. This is how I got my nickname of Nod. Lots of you probably thought it had something to do with a Notice of Disagreement.  We won’t go there today.

      There is no insightful ending to this discourse. It’s just an observation I had one day when I discovered I very rarely won an argument with Cupcake. My advice is simple. Get the VA box out with some regularity and dump it out on the floor. Examine all the stuff and act promptly on anything with a shelf life. It may cost you a trophy fish or a Boone and Crockett rack, but your marriage will be in better shape. My advice?  It goes without saying that the claim will have a much higher chance of success if you can convince the wife to do it. Don’t forget to work on that head bob and the eyebrow thing.   Always use color words like mauve, taupe and fuchsia.  While I realize men have a color chart of the 6 primary ones, visit the paint section at your local Cheapo Depot for an update on it. Practice pretending to get in touch with your inner self in your spare time during those annoying  commercials. Gaze frequently into her eyes and act like you are hanging on every word she says. It works for me.