We called our inside guys at Fort Fumble to get the skinny on the Libya thing. They always have the latest news from that fishing shack down in Georgia where all the vast right wing conspiracies are hatched.  This is what we found:

     They are busy creating a new ribbon/medal to show participation in the Libyan Theatre. It will have some purple in it to reflect that DADT has been repealed. The struck medal has a Tomahawk Cruise missile on the front with crossed lightning bolts and a bombed out oil derrick in the background. On the obverse is an image of Alfred E. Neuman with the patented “What? Me Worry?” inscribed below it. 

     Illustrious leader decided that we would throw our hat in the ring with the European Union even though we don’t get our oil from him. He initially wanted to do what most of them did to us in Afghanistan- say “We’re with you to the end, Bro”, then bug out on the next flight. His handlers told him that wasn’t an option so they went for Plan B- Rio de Janeiro and a week on the topless beaches. 

     When told that a very strict Muslim Brotherhood–run government like Iran’s was waiting in the wings, he was overheard to say “Good. I never did like that Ghaddafi dude.  He has a really weird first name. Who’d name their kid Moammar? It gives me the creeps.” 

      The US is all set to offer billions in reconstruction aid after the bombs quit falling and the rebels take over. There will be some cost cutting here and there at home to compensate for the increased Foreign Aid package. Illegal immigrants will no longer be  entitled to free coffee and bagels at  Health and Human Resource sites accross the country every morning. People on assistance will have to take 4 furlough days a month without pay to make up the shortfall as well. We may notice a few potholes on the interstate highways, but that is covered in next year’s budget. 

     The President has announced a new Government employment program. People can now apply for AMERICARES jobs overseas in Libya (rhymes with Doubya). The sliding pay scale will start in the mid-five figures and reportedly entails insulating Bedouin tents and water jugs in an effort to save energy and start a “green revolution” to combat Global Warming.  The President rightfully asserted that “This program is just what is needed to kick this stubborn unemployment thing in the ass”. 

     The guys at the Puzzle Palace are always dead on, so there you have it. A short non-war followed by low unemployment and $150.00/barrel oil. This appears to be a win-win situation for all concerned. The President said we may see a slight downside to this rosy picture in the way of runaway inflation and interest rates as high as 16%. This is to be expected and no cause for alarm.  He plans to print more money to combat this and claims he has a contingency plan with the  intriguing catchphrase ” Small denomination bills you can count on”.  

     Our informants also report there is a shortage of those little umbrellas for the Mai Tais since the President and his 6,000-strong entourage hit town last week. Brazilian Government officials have offered a tax subsidy to the manufacturers to increase production temporarily until the President and his party decamp. We’ll keep you posted.  News and film at Eleven tonight.