This post is for gentlemen Vets only. I know a lot of women will be drawn to this, but it really has no bearing on them. It isn’t a sexist woman-bashing post either, so calm down.

     Men have a different mental composition than women, thank God, but that leaves us at a strategic disadvantage. We are not in the habit of speaking 25,000 words a day. We see no reason to do so if we can communicate the same sentiments in 2,500 or 250 as far as that goes. We are really adept at doing one thing well at a time with few words.  Men’s mental processes can be summed up as having a lot of boxes. We get one out of the box room and dump out the contents, rummage through them, find that which we seek, and proceed. Some of us (like me) dawdle a bit and look at some of the other items and fondly remember them.  That’s why it takes us a longer time to complete projects, ladies. We have to pick everything back up and mentally cart it back to the box room.  This gives us more time to look around and smell the roses.

     Oddly enough, the NASCAR box is not located next to the NASA box. The biggest box is the one with the former girlfriends. The hunting and fishing box is usually fairly large and some devotees have one of each.  Then there is the workplace box, other friends box, favorite foods box, the golf box, etc. Men are not adroit at cleaning up and filing properly. We often misplace boxes and forget where or what we put in them. All the info is there, but sometimes requires dumping out numerous boxes before locating it. Alcohol has been known to play a part in some of this filing confusion. Left-handed tobacco, too, can be a detriment when boxes are out and in use.

     The VA box generally has a lot of dust on it and rarely comes out. When it does, it usually is at the insistence of the better half to get something done about it (your claim). It is at the mercy of duck hunting season (Dec.-Jan.); Silvers running up in Seiku (Feb.); Wild turkey season (March); Kings running from April- May to August; Dove hunting (Sept.); Deer season (October) and finally Elk season (November). This is why I have enormous hunting and fishing boxes and very little time for the others.

     The VA box was ignored for a long time-until the day I discovered I was really sick.  Then it was out continuously in hopes of funding my hunting. No work= no money= no hunting and fishing.  You don’t need a box in which to store that tidbit of wit. Soon, the VA box was out to the exclusion of all others. If you don’t stay on top of it, important due dates slip by. Claims expire for lack of action. The wife blows an ass gasket when this happens and rightfully so. I hope this helps some of you to understand how and why your brain functions the way it does. It’s really not your fault. Blame Mother Nature for our dilemma. It certainly isn’t our fault!  As you grow older and the testosterone haze finally parts, you start to see a lot more boxes with “urgent” in the box room.

     Now, on the other hand, let us examine women’s brains. Women don’t have boxes. They have filing cabinets. Big, salmon colored multi-drawer filing cabinets (there is no such color as pink).  With ball bearing glides. And color coordinated tabs representing moods dividing all the different subjects. The tabs are capable of metamorphosing into different colors as a woman’s feelings on a given subject change over time. This obviates the need for refiling and allows them to say that their feelings never change-ours did . The above mentioned filing cabinets are very unique. A woman can have more than one drawer open without the cabinet tipping over. This allows her to hedge hop back and forth between two different arguments in adjacent drawers without skipping a beat. I’m sure you’ve noticed this uncanny ability. I have discovered my little Princess can actually have 4 or 5 drawers open without missing a word-much like a circus juggler. I admire her for that. However, it leaves me at a strategic disadvantage rummaging around in one box, then running back to the box room to fetch another to counter the latest argument. Don’t attempt this at home. Men do it in Hollywood sitcoms and movies, but it’s all done with mirrors and stunt men and never happens in real life. Their filing system is light years ahead of our cave man style. We don’t stand a chance. Let them expel their 25,000+ words and nod sagely. I suggest an occasional “I agree completely” interjected along with those sage nods. A man who is an expert at this can get his head going like one of the gals on the 6 o’clock news. You know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, go watch the news.  Raising one’s eyebrows appreciatively is another plus when Princess raises her voice to make a point. This is how I got my nickname of Nod. Lots of you probably thought it had something to do with a Notice of Disagreement.  We won’t go there today.

      There is no insightful ending to this discourse. It’s just an observation I had one day when I discovered I very rarely won an argument with Cupcake. My advice is simple. Get the VA box out with some regularity and dump it out on the floor. Examine all the stuff and act promptly on anything with a shelf life. It may cost you a trophy fish or a Boone and Crockett rack, but your marriage will be in better shape. My advice?  It goes without saying that the claim will have a much higher chance of success if you can convince the wife to do it. Don’t forget to work on that head bob and the eyebrow thing.   Always use color words like mauve, taupe and fuchsia.  While I realize men have a color chart of the 6 primary ones, visit the paint section at your local Cheapo Depot for an update on it. Practice pretending to get in touch with your inner self in your spare time during those annoying  commercials. Gaze frequently into her eyes and act like you are hanging on every word she says. It works for me.